Love & Learn Page 18

  When the elevator doors opened, he grabbed her groceries and helped her with the stroller, talking to Danny on his way over to the apartment door. She got her keys out and opened it.

  Inside, Henry unbuckled Danny from the stroller and picked him up, carrying him outside, calling out for Julia, who came out to greet them.

  Lizzie leaned against the door frame, watching them together. They sat down in the living room, and Julia was fussing over her brother, unzipping his jacket while she told her father about school. Henry held Danny on his lap, and it didn’t look awkward or tense at all. In fact, he looked perfectly relaxed with that baby in his arms. Everything became a blur, and it took a moment for her to realize that she was crying.

  Lizzie ducked back out into the hallway to get the groceries and brought them through to the kitchen, where she busied herself with dinner preparations. She must be more tired than she’d realized. But it was just so nice to see the children happy and hearing Henry’s booming laugh at something Julia said.

  She’d missed him. She hated to admit it, but it was true.

  Their marriage had never been anything other than a lie, but she missed the marriage she’d believed that they were going to have, during her week of temporary insanity, when she’d believed he could grow to love her.

  Perhaps that was the reason she was crying now. She was grieving for the life she was never intended to have.

  And it was not that she wasn’t happy with the kids. She was. She really was.

  But she was also very much alone in a big city, and sometimes, late at night, that made her feel very, very small.

  They had dinner together, the four of them, and it was lovely. Lizzie was so tired that she barely contributed to the conversation, but Julia and Henry talked about this, and that and little Danny jabbered on, while he banged on his plate with a spoon. It was obvious that he wanted to be a part of the conversation, but he hadn’t said any actual words yet.

  After dinner, Henry helped her clean up while Julia gave Danny a bath.

  “Thanks,” she said as he put away the clean dishes. “Now, I’ll have time to put my feet up before reading Danny his bedtime story.”

  “Oh, can I do that?” he said, and he almost sounded excited about the idea.

  “Really?”

  He nodded. “Sure. It’ll be fun.” He reached over and took the tea towel from her. “You go sit down. I’ll make you some tea. Alright?”

  She hesitated, but he didn’t need to tell her twice. When Julia came out of the bathroom with Danny wrapped in a large towel, Lizzie was sitting on the couch with her legs pulled up under her, sipping her tea. Julia came over so that she could give Danny a kiss goodnight, and then they disappeared into the kids’ room.

  Lizzy leaned back and listened to their voices. There was something so comforting in having Henry here, and she hated herself for feeling this way. She didn’t need him. She was doing just fine on her own. She and the kids were all doing so well.

  She didn’t need Henry.

  Except that she did.

  After a while, he came out into the living room, closing the door behind him. He came over and sat down in the armchair across from her.

  “I’m going to have to get him some more books,” he said. “Thomas the Tank Engine isn’t really my thing.”

  She smiled. “Thank you for all your help tonight,” she said. “I haven’t had a moment to myself all day. I guess I was more tired than I realized.”

  He leaned forward. “You are doing great, Lizzie, I mean that. But … you can’t do it all on your own.” She frowned, and he raised one hand. “I just mean that … you don’t have to. I can help.”

  She tugged the blanket closer. “I know this isn’t the life you want,” she said softly. “But if you’d want to come by, now and then … You will always be welcome.” She glanced at the door to the kids’ room. “And Julia … you can tell that she’s not as angry anymore. I know you want to spend more time with her.”

  He nodded. “I’m happy to help out. Just ask.”

  She folded the edge of the blanket back and forth. “Actually … I was wondering if you could pick up Danny at daycare next week. On Tuesday? I’ve got a doctor’s appointment, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to—”

  “Of course,” he said. “I can pick him up.” He looked concerned. “Is your stomach still bothering you? Then it’s good that you’re finally going to see a doctor.” He sat up. “I can pick Danny up and bring him over to my place. Julia can go there after school, and we can have dinner there. You can come too if you feel up to it, and if you don’t, you can just go home and rest. The kids can stay over if you need them to.”

  The room went blurry again. She wiped her eyes. “Thank you,” she said. “That means a lot.”

  He got up. “Anytime,” he said. “Call me if you need me.”

  And then he left.

  Lizzie was too tired to go to bed. She just curled up under the blanket, with her arms wrapped tightly around her.

  Oh, if he’d only meant it!

  60

  Henry

  Henry had picked up Danny from daycare and was walking back home when Julia texted him, letting him know that she had to go back home and pick up her French textbook before coming over. Since he was still in their neighborhood, he decided to go over to Lizzie’s and meet Julia there. He and Danny only had to wait a couple of minutes before he saw Julia coming toward them, arm in arm with her pink-haired friend.

  Henry was introduced to the friend, who was apparently called Buzzy. He decided not to ask for an explanation. She was wearing a man’s oversized dress shirt with frills on the front and a wide leather belt over fishnet stockings and neon pink rubber boots. Teenagers. Henry couldn’t remember ever being like that, but he thought perhaps it was a girl thing.

  “I’ll just get my textbook, then, shall I?” Julia asked.

  Henry checked the diaper bag. “If you’re going to stay at my place, you should get some extra diapers as well.”

  In the end, all of them squeezed into the elevator and rode up together. Julia and Buzzy disappeared into her room to look for her book, and Henry went into the bathroom to get some diapers. Once he had restocked the diaper bag, he waited for the girls in the hallway. It was a lot warmer outside today, and Lizzie had apparently not felt that she needed her coat, because it was hanging right by the door. He leaned closer to breathe in her scent.

  “Muh-muh-muh!” Danny said.

  “Yes,” said Henry. “Mommy’s coat.” He stroked the soft fabric. A brochure was poking out of the pocket, and out of curiosity, he pulled it out.

  The decision is yours, it said, and there was a graphic that he couldn’t quite figure out, until he realized that it was the midsection of a woman’s body, with a heart shape where the womb would be. He turned the brochure over. It was from a clinic specializing in women’s reproductive health. He opened it. Inside was a brief explanation on the process of terminating a pregnancy.

  Why would Lizzie have a brochure like that? It was not exactly the kind of flyer that people were handing out in the street, and you took one to be polite and stuffed it in your pocket to throw away later. No, the only reason you would want a brochure like that was if you were—

  At the same time as the truth dawned on him, the two giggling teenage girls came tumbling out of Julia’s room and into the cramped hallway. Henry thought that his head might explode as he quickly closed the brochure and slipped it into his pocket. Suddenly, he knew why’d Lizzie had needed him to look after the kids.

  Somehow, he managed to get the stroller out into the hallway and down the elevator, but once he reached the street, he froze. He just stood there, staring at the cars going back and forth on the street in front of him.

  “Dad?” Julia’s voice finally penetrated the confusion. “Are we going to your place, or what?”

  He stared at her. Yes. That was the plan. He was supposed to bring the kids to his apartment and keep them there until
Lizzie got back from her doctor’s appointment.

  Her procedure.

  The word cut through him.

  Because he knew that there hadn’t been any other men in Lizzie’s life over the last few months. Not since his daughter and her brother appeared in both of their lives and changed everything.

  If Lizzie was pregnant, then the baby had to be his.

  He knew he had been reckless, that time in the limo, but she hadn’t said anything, and he’d assumed she was on the pill or something …

  He’d assumed.

  And made an ass of himself, as the saying goes.

  Lizzie.

  Pregnant.

  With his child.

  Or not.

  Perhaps she’d already had the procedure.

  He didn’t know what time her appointment had been. Just that it was today.

  He stared at his daughter. “Julia,” he said. “Could you look after Danny for a couple of hours?” He looked at the pink-haired weirdo. “The two of you?”

  The girls looked at each other. “Sure,” Julia said. “Should we just stay here then?” She started to move back toward the front door.

  “No,” Henry said, pulling his wallet out of his pocket. He handed her a credit card and all the cash he had, moving closer to the street and raising one hand to hail a cab. “Go to my place. Text me when you get there. Order dinner, whatever you want. I’ll call you later.”

  He helped the girls and Danny into a cab and gave the driver his address. As soon as that cab had left, he hailed another. Jumping into the backseat, he recited the address to the clinic from the back of the folder.

  Praying that he wasn’t too late.

  61

  Lizzie

  Lizzie had just come out from the clinic and was trying to muster the energy to go and hail a cab when one stopped just a few feet from her, and Henry appeared out of nowhere.

  “Lizzie!” he exclaimed and hurried over.

  She just stared at him, confused. She’d been thinking of him all day, and now, here he was. She had so much she needed to tell him, but she couldn’t think of a single thing to say. The tears started to well up again. She had wept so much that she didn’t think she had any tears left, but nope. Here came some more.

  He wrapped his strong arms around her and led her toward the cab. In the backseat, she let him hold her and buried her face in the rough fabric of his jacket. Somehow, he made her feel so safe. She knew that he wasn’t hers. That he’d never be hers.

  But right now, she didn’t want to ask any questions. She didn’t want to think about the future. Not even fifteen minutes from now.

  She just wanted him to hold her. She needed him to, so bad.

  He didn’t speak, and for that, she was grateful. She didn’t understand how he could be here, he was supposed to be with the kids, and there was no way he could have known that she’d be here, or what she’d be doing here, but right now, she would take any miracle she could get.

  Especially, the miracle of Henry. Of his arms around her. His scent in her nostrils.

  She sniveled and snuggled closer to him.

  “It’s alright,” he said, caressing her cheek. “It’s all going to be alright, Lizzie.”

  She sobbed and shook her head. She didn’t see how it could ever be alright. She had done too many stupid things in her life. She didn’t deserve good things. A good man. A happy family.

  She didn’t deserve him.

  The cab stopped, and she looked up. They were outside of her building. Her legs didn’t feel as if they’d carry her, but Henry helped her inside. He led her to the couch, sat her down, and took off her shoes before draping a blanket over her.

  “You rest now, my darling,” he said, and she thought that she must be hallucinating. “I’ll get you some tea.”

  She lay there, one hand on her stomach, tears slowly trickling down her face, as he bustled about in the kitchen, and after a while, he returned with a cup of tea. She sat up and pulled her legs up under her.

  “Thanks,” she said, putting the cup on the table. “But we need to talk.”

  He sat down on the couch next to her, taking her hand in both of his. “I’m sorry,” he said.

  She stared at him, uncomprehending. “What?”

  “I’m so sorry that it has taken me this long to figure out what I want and what I need. I am not a young man, and I was too set in my ways to understand what a miracle it was when you came into my life. I am so very sorry for everything that I’ve put you through over the last few months, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it.”

  She felt the warmth from his hands, slowly spreading up her arm. “You … What?”

  He pushed her hair away from her face and wiped a tear from her cheek. “You are an amazing woman, and there is so much I need you to teach me, about being a parent. About being a partner. About being brave and strong and wise. About loving with all your heart.” He squeezed her hand. “Please, will you teach me, Lizzie?”

  “I …” She tried to pull her hand out of his grip, but he didn’t let go. “But this isn’t what you want,” she said, nodding toward the kids’ room. “Children and a family. It isn’t the life you want.”

  He shook his head. “I didn’t know what I was missing out on,” he said. “I was a fool.” He shifted closer. “But you have taught me that parenting and love have nothing to do with biology. With your help, I hope I can be a good father to both Julia and Danny.” He turned her hand and looked down on her bare finger. “Will you let me be a father to your children, Lizzie? Will you be patient with me as I try to change? As I do everything in my power to deserve your trust? Your … love?”

  His voice broke on the last word, and her heart broke too. Because of course she loved him. But how could he love her after everything she’d done?

  He lifted her hand and kissed it. “I know it took forever for me to see what you knew all along,” he said ruefully. “But please tell me that I’m not too late. Please tell me that there is still a chance for us to be together.”

  62

  Henry

  She didn’t reply for the longest time, and he could feel the hope slowly draining. But he was not prepared to give up. If she said no, if she didn’t want to be with him, he was still determined to be a part of her life. As long as she was raising his daughter, he would be a part of her life, and if it took forever, he was going to show her that she could trust him, that she could depend on him.

  That she could love him.

  And that he loved her. Because that’s what this feeling was. He had finally realized that. Such an idiot. What had taken him so long? It had been staring him in the face since the first night they spent together.

  She was the most beautiful woman in New York, even as she sat there, her face all red and swollen from the crying. He just wished she’d say something.

  “Henry …” she said, and he sat up. “Oh, Henry, I’m so sorry.”

  He moved closer and took her in his arms as she started to cry again. “Oh, baby, don’t be sorry. Everything is going to be fine. Everything is going to be just fine.”

  She shook her head and pulled back. “No, you don’t understand. The clinic … I didn’t want to, but I didn’t have any choice. I couldn’t manage on my own. Not with the kids.” She paused and hiccupped. “And I couldn’t risk losing the kids.”

  “Oh, honey, I understand,” he said, and reached for her again, this time with a lump in his throat. Oh, why had he been so stupid? Why had it taken him so long to understand what should have been so obvious? For a moment, he allowed himself to indulge in the what-if. What if he hadn’t driven her away? If they’d stayed together in his apartment all this time? If they’d been together when she realized she was pregnant? Oh, everything would have been different then. Images of them together flashed before his eyes, marveling at the pregnancy test, him watching her stomach grow, month by month. Talking to her round belly. Clutching her hand as
she pushed, pushed, pushed their baby into the world.

  The emotions nearly overwhelmed him. He clasped her to him and buried his face in her hair. “I’m so sorry,” he said again. “And this is not the time to discuss this.” He kissed her temple and leaned back a little to look her in the eyes. “But I want you to know that if you still want to … after a while … once things have settled down.” He kissed her forehead. “We could try again.” He looked her straight in the eyes. “I want to be your husband, in every sense of the word, and raise Julia and Danny together. And I would be honored if you — one day — would want to have my baby.”

  63

  Lizzie

  His words tore another sob from her lips, but all the sadness had vanished from her heart as soon as he told her that he wanted to be her husband.

  “One day?” she asked, wiping her tears.

  “Yes,” he said. “I understand that this has been an emotional ordeal for you. And I’m so sorry that I was such an idiot. That you had to go through this.” He placed one hand on her stomach and stroked it gently. “I am so very sorry that I wasn’t there for you.”

  She put one hand on top of his and held it still. “One day?” she repeated. “Would … December 15th work for you?”

  He looked confused. Then he glanced down at their hands on her stomach. “What … did you … what?”

  “I couldn’t go through with it,” she said quietly, watching his face closely to see how he reacted. “I knew I had to. There was no way I was going to be able to have a baby on my own, with two children to care for. I almost ended up in hospital, just from the morning sickness.” She sighed. “But in the end, I couldn’t do it. Because it’s your baby. Yours and mine. And even if it’s just a tiny lump of cells still, I love it with all my heart.” She bent forward to see his face more clearly, making her hand lighter on his, to allow him room to pull away if he wanted to.